My Obituary

Don't leave your last published work in the hands of some journalism intern. Pen your own epilogue to accompany your ticket off this rock. Here's mine:

Jack “Skip” Beck –

Born in Glendale, California, Mr. Beck passed after a lifetime struggle with right-wing politics and bad lady’s headwear.  He attended Burbank High School where he was voted “Person Most Likely to Have Their Spleen Removed and Sold on the Black Market”. He then attended Sacramento State University and UCLA, where he received degrees in Hatchet Throwing and Etruscan Slang Words. 

A lover of animals, Mr. Beck was a lifetime member of the G.M.A. (Grossly Misunderstood Animals).  In particular he befriended and attempted to domesticate abandoned badgers, wolverines and opossums, successfully teaching them to “roll over”, “sit”, “fetch the paper”, (much to the chagrin of his neighbors, since these animals generally have a gross over-estimation of their actual territory), and “shake hands”,  rather than attacking a visitor’s jugular vein or scratching their eyes out of their sockets.

Mr. Beck also favored several charities during his lifetime, especially “Children without Laces” and “Dogs without Lips”. Although not a rich man, Mr. Beck personally contributed dozens of shoelaces to needy children and adopted at least one dog without lips, although he admitted that he never really understood what the dog was saying.

Mr. Beck was also known for his amazing catalogue of ancient Druid folk music, which he labored relentlessly to translate into pig Latin. He also had a fondness for war-time music, and will be remembered for his stirring version of “Sink the Bismark”, often sung with the accompaniment of a didgeridoo.  

A fanatic music collector, he possessed dozens of records, tapes and pieces of sheet music at his passing, including the very rare “Boxcar Willie’s tribute to Twisted Sister” and Steven Seagal’s rare and pathetic vocal tribute to Miles Davis.

Mr. Beck also loved to cook, winning a tin medal from some town outside Bakersfield for his delicious “Spammy Yams” and “Donuts that look like Dung”. He also received an honorable notice (and a warning to never return) from the East Los Angeles Annual Chili Cook-off, where he chose to replace the traditional pinto bean with bubble wrap, much to the chagrin of the largely Hispanic crowd.

He is survived by everyone now living and was preceded in death by everyone already dead. In lieu of letter bombs, donations may be sent to the Bring Wet T-Shirt Contests Back to Rough and Ready Foundation, of which Mr. Beck was a founding member.

Inscribed on Mr. Beck’s headstone are the prophetic words that leave an indelible mark on the psyche on the reader: “Whatever Doesn’t Kill Will Likely Leave a Mark.” He will be missed; especially by those to whom he still owes money.